This world is not fun for me to live in anymore. I hate it. I am not interested in eating, shopping, earning money, watching TVs/movies, talking to people(which I was never good at), the only thing I am interested in is listening to/watching paranormal stories: ghost related stuff, real life people encounter with ghostly activities.
I am 100% sure that there is another world out there besides the one human beings are living in. Spirits/ghosts do exist. I am so curious about this other world. I would love to explode this side of world sooner than later. Living in this world doesn’t interest me anymore. I am an adventurous person. I love to explode things. I can’t wait for this day to come. Hmmmm.
I have never felt sad for people who passed away, not for my relatives, not for anyone. As a matter of fact, I felt relieve that he/she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. People should celebrate the death of someone, because I know that is not the end for that person. He/she would finally get to live in a whole new world. It makes me so happy just thinking about this. LOL.
I keep thinking about the cruel comments that my MOM had said to me all these years since I was 3 to be exact. She kept calling me STUPID since I was 3 (I couldn’t pass the placement test for 1st grade, I had to go to preschool), she also called me a Prisoner repeatedly after I had to repeat 3rd grade because I didn’t have good enough grade to advance to 4th grade), and my Mom also kept comparing me to my cousin, which I couldn’t stand all these years(sometimes, I even have nightmares if I heard someone’s say her name). Can you imagine being called STUPID/USELESS repeatedly since you were a kid?? I always cry myself to sleep for my MOM’s cruel comments, I still cry almost everyday. You could never imagine the effect of bullying on a person.
Though, I couldn’t/shouldn’t blame on my Mom completely. I know I have a lot of problems, I was never able to behave myself, I couldn’t obey people’s orders, I was a troubled kid, I used to cry and get angry at every single little thing(I can control my emotions a little better now in public). I’m very stubborn and very argumentative. Whenever someone said/done something to hurt my feelings(it happens all the time because I’m super sensitive), I will treat that person as if she/he was my enemy in court(I am the prosecutor, and the other person is the defendant). Sometimes, I debate by myself (I have both “Evil” & “Angel” in me, it depends on which one gets control of my body). I couldn’t perceive/control/evaluate my emotions. I get my feelings hurt easily. These are also the symbols of autism sufferers , something I just found out about myself around 4 years ago. I have met some fans of a singer who has learning disability, and a lot of her fans have some sort of mental disorders/learning disabilities. The way that these fans act/behave is just like me, and that had triggered me to research further on autism/learning disabilities and other mental disorders. People with autism are often misunderstood as bad kids, because of the way they behave. They couldn’t obey people’s orders, they often talk/act impolitely, every small incident could make them cry or get really angry, and when they get angry, they will loose it, they could do really bad things. They have extremely low EQs, that’s why they are usually unlikable. I have done some online autism tests, the results have proven that I am definitely autistic. Asperger, is a form of autism(based on my research for 4 years, my Mom & Dad both have them too, but different kind of mental disorders, my MOM: autism,OCD. My Dad: Asperger-another form of autism). Can you imagine 2 or more members in a family have mental disorders? Cry or get angry for every small incident all of the sudden???? #Drama #Drama #DISASTER.
I wish that I could stop hurting myself by keep reminding myself about my Mom’s cruel comments, that’s like putting poison in my drink everyday. That is not good for me, but I really couldn’t get over her BULLYING even though she has passed away years ago, her words stay in my head forever: “You are stupid, you should die”, “You are a prisoner”, “You are so unlikable, no one will like you”, “You are useless”, “Comparing you to your cousin is like comparing a bee to an elephant”, “You are not good enough for anything/anyone”. Can you imagine you are being told all these words repeatedly since you were a kid?? I’m amazed that I haven’t killed myself or killed anybody yet. When I am hurt, I will loose it, I can do really bad things. I can’t perceive/control/evaluate my emotions like normal people could. My Mom’s cruel comments is one of the reasons why I couldn’t socialize with people all these years, and of course, if I don’t have autism, my life would be so much easier. People with autism are super super sensitive, they get their feelings hurt easily (emotionally fragile). That’s why I cry everyday since I was a kid. I COULDN’T GET OVER THESE CRUEL COMMENTS. I COULDN’T. WORDS COULD KILL PEOPLE, WE REALLY SHOULD BE CAREFUL OF WHAT WE SAY EVERYDAY. WHY DO I HAVE GOOD MEMORIES AND WHY AM I SO SENSITIVE???????? Why don’t I have higher EQ? #Autism #MentalDisorder
I should stop complaining, my MOM had serious mentally illness, just like me. Can you blame on a mentally ill person hurting someone’s feeling? Logically, NO. Emotionally, YES. My Dad has called me STUPID over the years too, but not as often as my MOM did, so my Dad’s comments didn’t really affect me, at least he didn’t say it as often enough for his comments to stay in my head. I might have hurt other people’s feelings too because of the way I behave/talk. If I had hurt people’s feelings, I am SORRY for that. I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings on purpose, not in a million years. ALL I AM INTERESTED IN IS TO GIVE, GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. I really wish that I could win the lottery, so that I could give the money to the poor people on the street, and to the people that I know. Something I love to do, is to GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE. I am so obsessed with giving. #MyObsession
LOL, that was written by the “GOOD” me earlier, but my “BAD” me is still fighting against the “GOOD” me everyday. I wish that I could stop crying and getting angry by myself, or stop talking to myself. I have multiple personalities syndrome, that is also one of the symbols of autism/other mental disorder. God, I am so mentally ill.
My husband who I am still legally married to, but we hardly talked or texted. We hardly see each other, maybe 2 hours per year. He has another woman a kid outside. Let’s put it this way, I am the exact opposite of him. He talks and acts politely, he seems like a very sweet person to the people outside, he always acts like a gentleman and he is very likeable. If anyone talks to him, he/she will like him. He is the exact opposite of me. But he is the kind of people you have to beware of, you can’t really read what he’s thinking behind your back: He will give people the impressions that they are loved, but NO, please don’t let that fool you. A TRUE STORY(it was years ago): he told his dad “oh, why did you have to work so hard? Working overtime a lot”, he seems very sincere and concern when he talks to that person (his Dad in this case). And then after we left his Dad’s house, it was only 10 minutes later. I suggested to my husband that we should increase the money that we give to his Dad every month, so that he didn’t need to work over time(we were making more money at the time), and then to my surprise, his tone changed completely and said no right away. He didn’t seem concern at all after he left that person. My husband is the kind of people who talk really sweet and he is able to make people feel loved when he talks to people, but IN REALITY, he DIDN’T mean it AT ALL. He is so good in acting. OMG, I think he should be awarded the BEST ACTOR. I am not kidding, and trust me, it’s not because of what he did to me. I am the type of people who seek fairness everyday. It is indeed my honest opinion of him, it is a FACT.
Anyway, enough with all these complaints. No one is perfect. Don’t be picky, straight & mentally ill, you are just like your parents, RIta.
To conclude: When the game is not fun anymore, it’s better to leave the game earlier. I don’t know, but wouldn’t it be fun to explode the other world someday. Sooner than later. Heheheheheheheeeeeeeeeee. I AM SO EXCITED……… I can’t hide my excitement. LOL. ^_^