MOVE BACK TO MY PARENTS’ HOUSE

I have just moved back to my parents’ house (now owned by my 2 brothers) about 2 months ago,  I am finally getting a divorce legally, he has another family outside.

Long story short, it is so strange to come back to the place where I lived before I get married (after 20 years).  I keep remembering all the abusive things that my late mom had said to me all these years (she called me stupid ever since I was 3, and she also compared me to my cousin almost everyday since i was a kid), I remember that I used to cried everyday.   I have Aspergers myself, so I have very low emotional intelligent & a lot of emotional problems, every time someone insults me, i will cry for about 15/20 minutes.

 

** I have to move out of here after the Corona virus thing is over, bad memories last forever even long after my mom died, i still remember all the abusive things to said me, I know I was slow & act very dumb sometimes, but it was not something i could control.

 

I am looking for another place to move to .  I want a place where it is simple & small, plenty of sunlight throughout the house.   Anyone knows where I should move to??    I am live in Baldwin Park, CA now.   Any suggestion?

 

 

 

* NATURAL STONES could HEAL, CALM EMOTIONS, REMOVE & BLOCK NEGATIVE ENERGY, BRING HAPPINESS, HELP INNER GROWTH, and some stones have multiple HEALTH BENEFITS.

  • I mainly sell NATURAL STONE ITEMS, PERSONALIZED GIFT ITEMS & 18K Gold Filled Jewelry items.  Please check out my website:

Natural Stone Items, Personalized Gift Items, 18K Gold Filled Items

 

 

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Are People with Aspergers/Autism,OCD or other mental disabilities NATURALLY “Unlikeable”?

I am an Aspergers sufferer(a form of autism), I was told that I am unlikable & troubled since I was 3 (by my Mom- I am sure that she had OCD & other mental illness too). I am also pretty sure that my Dad & my brothers don’t like me much too. These are my symptoms:

* Emotional issues (mood swings. I cry everyday, I often over think & over feel, I take everything offensive. For example, when my Mom/Dad calls me stupid (almost everyday), I cried about 20 minutes, and then I got angry, and when I get angry, I can do bad things. I AM TROUBLED.

* Social Awkwardness – I don’t have friends, I used have a few friends, but I have a feeling that they don’t like me that much neither. I don’t fit in.. I tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time & do the wrong thing at the wrong time. I was also told that my temperament/behavior is not that good sometimes. ** I could not pick up on social cues. I offend people without knowing why people got mad at me all the time. So I choose to be alone, so that I don’t have to look at people’s “rejection” faces. I don’t even know what I have done wrong & why people are hating on me.

* Anxiety- I am scared of a lot of things. I always think something bad is going to happen.

* Obsession – when I am obsessed with certain thing, I will keep doing that same thing, and I am also very picky, bossy, and strict (just like my parents). I want everything to be perfect, and if it doesn’t go my way, I will get mad.

* I was kind of slow at school when I was a kid, but i got better when I was in university.

*** and my Mom (sometimes my Dad too) calls me stupid & compares me to my cousin almost everyday ever since I was 3, it has been over 20 years. My self esteem is extremely low, I don’t even talk to my relatives, I only give them gifts every year at Christmas (I leave the gifts at my Dad’s house & they pick up the gifts, I don’t see them in person anymore), because I really don’t want to see people’s “rejection” faces.

So my question is do you think people with Aspergers/autism, OCD & other mental disabilities are naturally “unlikable” due to their “symptoms”? I am sure that my Mom had OCD, and my Dad has Aspergers just like me. They are not really likable too. The only difference is that I did not say it out loud, but they did tell me constantly that I am unlikable & stupid, especially my Mom, she told me that almost everyday for over 20 years, she also compared me to my cousin almost everyday which I could not bear. Anyway, what are your thoughts about some mental disabilities people are naturally UNLIKEABLE?

Live In A RV or Sail Boat

I have been watching a lot of videos about this couple on youtube, they have been traveling across the US by RV since 8 years ago, and they are currently traveling most of the South America countries/islands by Sail Boat.  This is so cool & exciting, they have been experiencing different culture & adventures everyday, and their sail boat is their full time home.   This is the type of life I want ever since I was a kid.  I should have done the same thing a long time ago.  I used to travel across the US doing different shows, but I don’t do it anymore.   Too Bad.  I really want to buy a small RV, or a small boat, so that i could travel everywhere, and the RV or Boat is my full time home.  Wouldn’t it be cool if you wake up in different locations everyday?   New Adventure everyday.

 

  • This is their introduction video, and they have a lot of videos in your youtube channel.
  • Subscribe to this youtube channel now & watch all their videos:  (Youtube Name:  Gone With The Wynns) (they will make you very happy)

 

Surviving Alone in Alaska

In my precious blog, I have mentioned about wanting to disappear from society & the movie INTO THE WILD (based on a true story), the main character cut ties with all his friends & family, and went on an adventure of his lifetime (he was sick of society).    Here is another video I found about Surviving Alone In Alaska.

 

Anyone Wants To Disappear Completely From Society??

I have watched the movie “Into The Wild” many times, it is based on a true story,  and I totally understand why he did what he did.  I, myself want to disappear from society ever since I was a kid, perhaps is because of I couldn’t fit in (I have Aspergers, and I was constantly emotional abused by my Mom since I was 3,  she called me stupid & compared me to my cousin almost everyday).   *** I really want to disappear from everything,  and I am still planning on it, but I don’t know how.    Any idea??

 

**** Here is the trailer for “Into The Wild”.  If you haven’t watched this movie, you should, this is an eye opener for me & for MANY people, and this is based on a true story.      

 

**** Here is an award winning song for this movie, “Guaranteed” by Eddie Vedder.  

 

***** Here are some of the quotes from the movie

“Happiness [is] only real when shared”
“It’s not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.”
“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”

“When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines upon you.”

“I read somewhere… how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong… to measure yourself at least once.”

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”

“We like companionship, see, but we can’t stand to be around people for very long. So we go get ourselves lost, come back for a while, then get the hell out again.”

“I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don’t want one.”

“The core of mans’ spirit comes from new experiences.”

“It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve, to assume that if you want something badly enough, it is your God-given right to have it.”

“You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.”

“What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?”

“It is true that I miss intelligent companionship, but there are so few with whom I can share the things that mean so much to me that I have learned to contain myself. It is enough that I am surrounded with beauty…”

“The sea’s only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.”

“Nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”

“It is the experiences, the memories, the great triumphant joy of living to the fullest extent in which real meaning is found. God it’s great to be alive! Thank you. Thank you.”

“I thought climbing the Devil’s Thumb would fix all that was wrong with my life. In the end, of course, it changed almost nothing. But I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams.”

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.”

 

 

My Cute House

This is the house I am living in right now.  It is not an expensive house, but it is so cute.  Haha, don’t mind the song i have chosen in this video, it is just a song i used to like.

 

 

My Small Business

I have been selling a lot of things online, and I also sell directly to different customers here in the city where I am living in (advertised via different websites).  The products that i carry are mostly natural stone jewelry & personalized gift items, I buy a lot of stone items & resell them.   I am kind of surprised that a lot of Hispanics love natural stone jewelry too , AMAZING..

 

 

** This is sort of an unnecessary blog, but i just feel like to write something. lol

IT’S NOT FUN ANYMORE

This world is not fun for me to live in anymore.  I hate it.  I am not interested in eating, shopping, earning money, watching TVs/movies, talking to people(which I was never good at), the only thing I am interested in is listening to/watching paranormal stories: ghost related stuff, real life people encounter with ghostly activities.

I am 100% sure that there is another world out there besides the one human beings are living in.  Spirits/ghosts do exist.  I am so curious about this other world.  I would love to explode this side of world sooner than later.   Living in this world doesn’t interest me anymore.  I am an adventurous person. I love to explode things.  I can’t wait for this day to come. Hmmmm.

I have never felt sad for people who passed away, not for my relatives, not for anyone.  As a matter of fact, I felt relieve that he/she doesn’t have to suffer anymore.  People should celebrate the death of someone, because I know that is not the end for that person.  He/she would finally get to live in a whole new  world.   It makes me so happy just thinking about this.  LOL.

I keep thinking about the cruel comments that my MOM had said to me all these years since I was 3 to be exact.  She kept calling me STUPID since I was 3 (I couldn’t pass the placement test for 1st grade, I had to go to preschool), she also called me a Prisoner repeatedly after I had to repeat 3rd grade because I didn’t have good enough grade to advance to 4th grade), and my Mom also kept comparing me to my cousin, which I couldn’t stand all these years(sometimes, I even have nightmares if I heard someone’s say her name).  Can you imagine being called STUPID/USELESS repeatedly since you were a kid??  I always cry myself to sleep for my MOM’s cruel comments, I still cry almost everyday. You could never imagine the effect of bullying on a person.

Though, I couldn’t/shouldn’t blame on my Mom completely.  I know I have a lot of problems, I was never able to behave myself, I couldn’t obey people’s orders, I was a troubled kid, I used to cry and get angry at every single little thing(I can control my emotions a little better now in public).  I’m very stubborn and very argumentative.  Whenever someone said/done something to hurt my feelings(it happens all the time because I’m super sensitive),  I will treat that person as if she/he was my enemy in court(I am the prosecutor, and the other person is the defendant).  Sometimes, I debate by myself (I have both “Evil” & “Angel” in me, it depends on which one gets control of my body).  I couldn’t perceive/control/evaluate my emotions.  I get my feelings hurt easily.  These are also the symbols of autism sufferers , something I just found out about myself around 4 years ago.  I have met some fans of a singer who has learning disability, and a lot of her fans have some sort of mental disorders/learning disabilities. The way that these fans act/behave is just like me, and that had triggered me to research further on autism/learning disabilities and other mental disorders.  People with autism are often misunderstood as bad kids, because of the way they behave.  They couldn’t obey people’s orders, they often talk/act impolitely, every small incident could make them cry or get really angry, and when they get angry, they will loose it, they could do really bad things.  They have extremely low EQs, that’s why they are usually unlikable.  I have done some online autism tests,  the results have proven that I am definitely autistic.  Asperger, is a form of autism(based on my research for 4 years, my Mom & Dad both have them too, but different kind of mental disorders, my MOM:  autism,OCD.  My Dad:  Asperger-another form of autism).  Can you imagine 2 or more members in a family have mental disorders?  Cry or get angry for every small incident all of the sudden????  #Drama   #Drama   #DISASTER.

I wish that I could stop hurting myself by keep reminding myself about my Mom’s cruel comments, that’s like putting poison in my drink everyday.  That is not good for me, but I really couldn’t get over her BULLYING even though she has passed away years  ago, her words stay in my head forever:  “You are stupid, you should die”, “You are a prisoner”,  “You are so unlikable, no one will like you”, “You are useless”, “Comparing you to your cousin is like comparing a bee to an elephant”,  “You are not good enough for anything/anyone”.  Can you imagine you are being told all these words repeatedly since you were a kid??  I’m amazed that I haven’t killed myself or killed anybody yet.  When I am hurt, I will loose it, I can do really bad things.  I can’t perceive/control/evaluate my emotions like normal people could.  My Mom’s cruel comments is one of the reasons why I couldn’t socialize with people all these years, and of course, if I don’t have autism, my life would be so much easier.  People with autism are super super sensitive, they get their feelings hurt easily (emotionally fragile).  That’s why I cry everyday since I was a kid.   I COULDN’T GET OVER THESE CRUEL COMMENTS.  I COULDN’T.   WORDS COULD KILL PEOPLE, WE REALLY SHOULD BE CAREFUL OF WHAT WE SAY EVERYDAY.  WHY DO I HAVE GOOD MEMORIES AND WHY AM I SO SENSITIVE????????  Why don’t I have higher EQ?   #Autism #MentalDisorder

I should stop complaining,  my MOM had serious mentally illness, just like me.  Can you blame on a mentally ill person hurting someone’s feeling?  Logically, NO.   Emotionally, YES.  My Dad has called me STUPID over the years too, but not as often as my MOM did, so my Dad’s comments didn’t really affect me, at least he didn’t say it as often enough for his comments to stay in my head.  I might have hurt other people’s feelings too because of the way I behave/talk.  If I had hurt people’s feelings,  I am SORRY for that.  I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings on purpose, not in a million years.  ALL I AM INTERESTED IN IS TO GIVE, GIVE, GIVE, GIVE.  I really wish that I could win the lottery, so that I could give the money to the poor people on the street, and to the people that I know.  Something I love to do, is to GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE.  I am so obsessed with giving. #MyObsession

LOL, that was written by the “GOOD” me earlier, but my “BAD” me is still fighting against the “GOOD” me everyday.  I wish that I could stop crying and getting angry by myself, or stop talking to myself.  I have multiple personalities syndrome, that is also one of the symbols of autism/other mental disorder.   God, I am so mentally ill.

My husband who I am still legally married to, but we hardly talked or texted. We hardly see each other, maybe 2 hours per year.  He has another woman a kid outside.  Let’s put it this way,  I am the exact opposite of him.   He talks and acts politely, he seems like a very sweet person to the people outside,  he always acts like a gentleman and he is very likeable.  If anyone talks to him, he/she will like him.  He is the exact opposite of me.  But he is the kind of people you have to beware of, you can’t really read what he’s thinking behind your back:  He will give people the impressions that they are loved, but NO, please don’t let that fool you.   A TRUE STORY(it was years ago):  he told his dad  “oh, why did you have to work so hard? Working overtime a lot”, he seems very sincere and concern when he talks to that person (his Dad in this case).   And then after we left his Dad’s house, it was only 10 minutes later.  I suggested to my husband that we should increase the money that we give to his Dad every month, so that he didn’t need to work over time(we were making more money at the time), and then to my surprise,  his tone changed completely and said no right away.  He didn’t seem concern at all after he left that person.  My husband is the kind of people who talk really sweet and he is able to make people feel loved when he talks to people,  but IN REALITY,  he DIDN’T mean it AT ALL.  He is so good in acting.  OMG, I think he should be awarded the BEST ACTOR.  I am not kidding, and trust me, it’s not because of what he did to me.  I am the type of people who seek fairness everyday.   It is indeed my honest opinion of him, it is a FACT.

Anyway, enough with all these complaints.  No one is perfect.  Don’t be picky, straight & mentally ill,  you are just like your parents,  RIta.

To conclude:   When the game is not fun anymore,  it’s better to leave the game earlier.   I don’t know, but wouldn’t it be fun to explode the other world someday.   Sooner than later.   Heheheheheheheeeeeeeeeee.    I AM SO EXCITED………  I can’t hide my excitement.  LOL.   ^_^

Premonition of My Own Death??

Do you ever have premonitions?  I believe everyone has some sort of psychic abilities, but some people have stronger psychic abilities than others.  We all have spirit guides or higher self.  In another word, we all have some sort of sixth sense, some are more sensitive than others.  I, for one, have personally experienced many weird incidents, some of my premonitions have indeed came true, here are a few of them that I would love to share with all of you:

* I have predicted the time when my little brother will start speaking.  My little brother couldn’t talk until about 2 years old I think, my late Mom was worried that he could be a mute.  Then one day out of the blue, I said to my late Mom that he will start speaking tomorrow, and then the magic happened, in the next morning, my little brother did indeed start to talk.

* Whenever I meet someone and I shake their hands, I could feel whether they will have good lives or not.  Whenever I have a bad feeling about a person, my whole body shivers.  There are so many incidents that I have experienced, I can’t recall them all.  One time, I remember I shook hand with my husband’s auntie in his grandpa’s funeral (She was a middle aged woman).  Right at the moment I shake her hand, I felt shivers up & down my spine.  About a couples of months later, I learned that she had died.

* A company that I used to work for used to sell some remarked processors, and my boss was being investigated for some time by FBI, I was an accountant in the company.  One morning,  I was walking back and forth in the office,  I knew something was going to happen.  I felt very uneasy that morning.  I have never given my pager number to anyone in the office, but on that particular day, I gave it to my secretary, I even told her twice to page me if something happens.  Then I headed to Costco to buy some office’s supplies.  About an hour later, the secretary called me and she told me that lots of  FBIs just got into our office building.  They asked me to come back, but of course, I never returned to my office.  I knew my boss was selling something remarked, but most of his products were real.  I didn’t want to betray my boss and be a witness, and at the same time, I didn’t want to get myself into trouble neither.  Everyone in the office was photographed and fingerprinted by the FBI except me .   Although we were just employees, we were not supposed to be responsible for the products that our boss sells, but I still considered myself very lucky that day.  My spirit guide had indeed watched over me on that particular day.

* About 4 1/2 years ago,  I went to San Francisco with my husband & my parents in-law.  I remember clearly that on the first night we stayed in this hotel room, I had a weird dream.  In my dream, I saw my parents in-law walking off with a woman, they turned their heads away from me and walked off with a woman (I think the woman was short and she had big eyes).  It was about a little after twelve midnight, I was suddenly awaken by the sound of a text message that was sent to me by one of my ex-workers that said “Happy New Year”.  That’s why I still remember the dream very well.  I didn’t know what the dream was about at the time, but after about four months, I’ve learned that my husband has another woman and that she was pregnant.  Everything has became clear to me what the dream was about, that means my parents in-laws had turned their backs on me.  Hahaha..

 

Premonition of my own death?:   I don’t know why but I do have a premonition that I will commit suicide in the future.  I am a fun loving and care free person most of the time(but sometimes, I am a very negative person).  However, whenever I came across an advertisement on TV about depression and thoughts of commit suicide, my whole body shivers.  Also, whenever I flip through books or magazines, the word “Suicide” always stands up.  It is like something/someone have been trying to tell me that this is how I will die.

I am pretty sure that I have been suffering from serious depression for the last 3 1/2 years, I find myself crying all the time, mainly because I often thought of all those hurtful things that my late Mom has said to me all these years. She had verbally/mentally abused me over the course of 30+ years.  Ever since I can remember (starting when I was in Kindergarten, perhaps), my late Mom started to call me “Stupid” repeatedly & continuously (Please also read the page  “ABOUT ME” ).

Anyway,  if my premonition is right, when would I kill myself ?  I have talked about a famous Hong Kong singer committed suicide on my previous post “A Destiny Believer”.  He didn’t plan to jump off the hotel building that night, he was going to meet up with some friends to play badminton later that night.  Therefore, there must be something greater out there that could control our lives (Destiny, perhaps?).  I have read a book written by a famous medium/psychic, Lisa Williams, it is called “The Survival of the Soul”, she said that everything happens on earth are predestined, even suicides.  You can’t control how and when you will die.  It is like a script that has already been written for you even before you were born.

I have also mentioned this on my previous post- “A Destiny Believer” that my friend’s mom had read my fortune, they told my friend – their daughter that I will die right after I broke up with my husband.   That’s the main reason why I am trying not to divorce my husband legally, just in case if their predictions would come true.

** If  the premonition about my own death is right, so BE IT.  Everyone has to die once anyway, I love adventures, I could tap into another world and explore it.  How cool is that?  I can’t wait. Lol